Lonely Cowgirl

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Successfully moved over the main page to a separate diary page. Here I am now. Started to edit the main page but holy cow, so many little things. Getting overwhelmed and want to give up heh.

I felt it would be easier to find a starting out template to edit, but maybe I was wrong about that. Maybe I'll start watching some Youtube videos and start from scratch? I like when I see the pages that have tons of little secions of like status, last thing I ate, and kinda little previews into all their other little pages, but I guess, I also don't have that much to add just yet. So maybe just a cool and simple main page would be best for now.

I started work this week. Monday and Tuesday were great, mainly because I wasn't working much and still had the chance to do all my own little tasks. Wednesday was my first full day of work and it honestly felt kinda nice to be so productive. Afterwards, I was too exhausted to do anything else but I felt like a break and chill day was well-deserved. Thursday and Friday ended up being another pretty work-filled day and afterwards, I didn't have the energy to do anything at all. These felt less deserved, of course, so I ended up just sleeping early and really just rotting on my phone from 5pm till I fell asleep. I hated it. I told myself Saturday would be my day to makeup for the workouts lost and do everything I wished I had done throughout the week- a collage? some coding? more piano practice? all the things! But then I woke up late, and of course, that meant I felt like shit and felt I deserved to rot and feel more like shit for punishment of being lazy. Need to talk to therapist about that. Eventually, I forced myself to get out of bed and just did a very long and extensive skincare routine. Then, I hopped on my computer, replied to some emails, journaled, and thought I'd get back to this :) I'm sad I didn't really get much done. I guess I played around a lot more with the coding and learned what a lot of lil bits in it meant. But I didn't end up with a main page I liked so it feels like I did nothing.

So dumb. It's only 5pm so I have many more hours to kill. I think I'm going to binge a couple of episodes of the Sopranos. I want to go on a walk but I can't get myself to change and go. I don't want to change, I don't want to be sweaty, I don't really want to think lol. I could listen to music but it'll make me sad, I could watch a Youtube video but I could also do that in my comfy bed. God, but being outside in the fresh air and seeing other people would probably make me feel a lot better. I know that but I still won't do it and I HATE that. I want to practice piano but I literally just don't feel like sitting and trying at anything. I just want to lay in my bed and mindlessly play my switch while a TV show is in the background. And I want to do it without feeling bad about myself. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?

I really hope next week goes a lot better. I'm going to try to exercise before work. I know it'll make me feel better and more energized. And I won't have to feel guilty all day about not having done it. I'll be in Austin all week and I'll have a friend to spend time with everyday after work. I'm sure that'll overwhelm me because I won't be able to collage or practice piano or coding. But I'll be hanging out with people I haven't seen in so long and ENJOYING myself. Like jesus, why can't I do that without feeling so guilty that I'm not being "productive" or actively getting better at something? I guess I just have all this pressure right now (being applied by no one but myself) to find what I'm good at or passionate about and make it a career. Pleaseeee, I hate work. I want to enjoy living.

I won't write too much here, as I just wrote A LOT on ~my new subpage~ Unsure is "subpage" is the right name for that. I made a collage last night, hoping to make more. As I hope to do more of a lot of things and to be an expert at everything...

But I did it! I made a new lil site and linked it to this main one. I uploaded a big ol picture. I messed around with a lot of the header spacing and format stuff (most of the time spent). Good progress.

Next time, I would like to move this diary type of section to it's own "subpage." And I'm not sure what I want on this main page really, but some kind of overview? I imagine it with more graphics/images/clickies to take you to different things. We will see!

I made this account about a month ago. Spent that day and the day after browsing people's websites, doing the lil beginner tutorial they give you, and searching for layouts (very Myspace days).

A month ago, I had just moved back home and I was wondering where the hell to go with my career. I wish I didn't care about a career.. or didn't have to care. But we live in a society, I guess. At the time, I was debating getting into either video-editing and website coding. Coding really speaks to the antisocial and type A personality. But I can see myself becoming bored of it or feeling uninspired/unfulfilled. When I think of video-editing, I think of music videos and interviews and video essays and working on a set and being around other creatives. Mmm, that sounds fulfilling. But very taxing. Less WFH opportunities probably, harder to move around since networking is such a big part of it.

Anyways, I ended up getting a lil side gig to edit this guy's home videos. There were hours and hours of footage and all I really had to do was organize and cut. No need for much creativity and honestly, I was gassed out from the learning part to even want to do anything creative with the footage he gave me. So yeah, this last week, I've been feeling tired of that already. Is it that it's actually not for me or am I just a lazy & unmotivated person? Maybe I don't have enough patience to learn something new (at least on my own.. I do a lot better in a school setting).

That's what led me back here today. I thought, let me give this another try. I'm proud of myself for really trying new things, but damn. There's a really loud voice in my head reminding me that I'm pushing 30 and I need to figure it out asap. People already have years and years of experience in whatever field I decide to get into. This huge anxiety of always being behind and not good enough is really getting to me. But we push through. That's all we can do.

Today, I found a layout template online. I copied & pasted. But I ALSO made a little modifications all by myself. I changed my main profile picture to a gif, which ended up being a lot more challenging than I had thought. But since I got that down, I went ahead and also changed the lil picture for this post :D So here's my entry to remind myself of what I learned today. Here's to many more!